I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
