I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
