Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
