I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize