I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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