A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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