Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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