Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
