I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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