nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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