So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
