I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize