between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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