Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
