I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
