well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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