I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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