i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize