Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
