My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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