you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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