Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
