I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the condom got lost in my hair
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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