wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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