People in love make me want to vomit
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
