We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
