I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
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