I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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