Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
