So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
