just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
