I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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