I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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