Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
