I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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