I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize