You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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