Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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