guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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