I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
