I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
