i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
