Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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