I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
