Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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