I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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