If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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