you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
