Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
