I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
