i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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