I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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