I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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