I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Vodka?
Forever.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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